Wow! It's been a while since I posted! It's also kind of hard to believe our wedding day was 21 years ago, lol. There are times when it really does feel as if I can't remember the time before I met Mike. We've actually known each other for over 27 years.
One of the biggest questions I get asked pretty frequently now that we have hit the 20 year mark of marriage, is how do you do it? It seems as if so many marriages are ending in divorce, how do you stay together?
Well...I feel at this point I could almost write a book on the subject. Of course I won't do that here. :)
I will say though that I feel there are a few big reasons why our marriage works.
1. We went into our marriage not even considering divorce as an option. From day one we promised that we would never just give up. Now I know that can be easier said than done if I'm going to be honest. I mean I guess no one really marries thinking that divorce will be in their future. In fact, when a marriage is just beginning, everything is exciting and new. There is no way to know what life is going to throw at you though. Just no way. Both of us have grown and changed in different ways over the years, but I think we've tried to stay connected through it all. I will admit we have definitely had some tough times which I believe all marriages endure. Sometimes the connection just wasn't there between us. But ultimately in the backs of our minds, I think there has always been that promise that no matter how tough it is, we can work it out.
2. Good communication is very important! It is so easy to assume your spouse means something completely different then his or her intention. If you are not careful, this has the potential to create all types of problems. These days, I am more willing to ask questions and clear the air if there is a problem or misunderstanding. I think it's better to just ask "what's up" or share how I'm feeling rather than keep it inside. We made a promise a few years back that we would be completely honest and say how we feel in a kind way no matter what, and I think it makes a huge difference. It may not always be easy, but honesty is such a big component of trust. And trust is key in a marriage.
3. There is a difference between real love and infatuation (or "falling in love") That feeling of infatuation or attraction is what draws people together and gets the ball rolling. But I believe real love is so much more than that. When you really love someone, you want the best for them. When you really love someone, it's all about loving in the good times and not so good times. It's so easy to be attracted to someone when things are on the surface and you are just learning about each other and on your best behavior. But to me real love is accepting someone for all their amazing qualities as well as their flaws. I do believe marriages can be very romantic and you can still have that "butterflies in your stomach" feeling for your spouse. I know I still get them :). But life is not always going to be easy. I think a true test of love is how well you work together when it's not so romantic.
5. The marriage wall is crucial. We both have friends and acquaintances of the opposite sex, and I think that is just fine as long as they are "friends" of our marriage. I also believe it is important to keep up what I have always called the marriage wall. It's the place that only the two of us share and nobody else is getting in! We are extra careful to keep other relationships outside of our own to people we can trust to be respectful of our marriage.
6. To be married, a sense of humor helps! I love being with someone who makes me laugh and that I hope I make laugh, too. I know I've mentioned in the past that I have struggled a bit with depression and anxiety. It's not always easy for either of us. But I remember having a really off day once and my husband, knowing my love of the tv show Supernatural and who is not threatened by my non-romantic love of Dean, sent me a few gifs to cheer me up...
You have to love it when your husband can make you smile on a particularly bad day. We have had a lot of good times over the years, and it helps to know I have him to turn to when I'm having a not so great day.
7. We are a team. I really do try to think of us as a team, and that we are in this marriage together. We are not always going to agree on everything. But ultimately this is where communication becomes important again. We do our best when we can talk to each other face to face, and really listen to each other. And don't get me started on how important it is to present a united front to your children. 100% true!
(Yes, we love to dress up in costumes for Halloween together!)
I will say though I try to take interest in my husband's love of cycling. I ask him tons of questions, read up on it myself, and totally supported him when he biked up a mountain back in June (which needs to be a whole other post I hope!) Even though I'm not much of a cyclist myself, we did go on a bike ride together in Amsterdam because I knew it was something he would enjoy. I am so sloooooow. LOL But it was an experience I wouldn't have missed for anything in the world!
Wrap up - I know there are times when staying in a marriage is just not an option. Maybe there are safety issues or a multitude of other problems that could make it just too damn hard.
That's why I'm so grateful we haven't faced anything like that. I hope and pray we never do.
But for now, we are living our life the best we know how together. Which makes me super grateful for where we are now and the past 21 years!
Would love to hear any tips you have for a successful marriage! I am always willing to learn :)
